Learning Objectives:
- Develop awareness of personal communication strengths and opportunities for improvement
- Apply productive communication practices using tools for conversations, listening, awareness, and difficult conversations
- Describe and plan a difficult conversation
Watch these videos:
What Could Possibly Go Wrong? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FfaPhCKZew funny, 3 minutes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixSUBl1WNxk Communication Skills, animated funny, 2 minutes
Interpersonal Communication Gap
One story behind why we have gaps in our communication:
- Conflict can arise from differing interpretations of intent between the sender and receiver
- Communication gaps often cause conflict
- Individual filters affect interpretation of intent and message impact
- Interpersonal Gaps arise when the sender’s intent fails to align with the impact of the message on the receiver
To insure that the delivery and interpretation or messages, use the following strategies:
For the Person Delivering the Message (Sender):
- Be aware of your intent before sending a message – use the Awareness Star
- Be sure that your words, tone, and body language match your intent when sending your message
- Watch for reactions
- Seek resolution and understanding
- Check for impact on the receiver
For the Person Receiving the Message (Receiver):
- Listen with the intent to learn
- Evaluate and understand your own reactions. Check your assumptions
- Assume good intent when receiving the message
- Share the impact of the message with the sender – clarify intent
- Seek resolution and understanding
Assertions and Assessments
Assertions/Facts Deal with what is and is not factual. Assertions can be verified or proven to be facts.
Examples:
- Bob is 5 feet 10 inches tall
- In October 2007, we were $10,000 over budget
- Sally arrived at the meeting at 8:10am
Assessments/Assumptions/Judgments
Opinions and judgments not grounded in facts and are never true or false. These statements shape your posture toward the future and are individual interpretations based on experiences and are generally a “truth” for the speaker only.
Examples:
- Bob is a tall gentleman
- Our budget process doesn’t work well
- Sally is not punctual
Active Listening
Definition: Attending closely to and attaching significance to a patient’s verbal and nonverbal messages
Actions that demonstrate Active Listening:
- Establish the purpose for the interaction
- Look at the person talking
- Think about what is being said
- Wait for your turn to talk
- Say what you want to say
- Display interest in the speaker
- Use questions or statements to encourage expression of thoughts, feelings, and concerns
- Focus completely on the interaction by suppressing prejudice, bias, assumptions, preoccupying personal concerns, and other distractions
- Display an awareness of and sensitivity to emotions
- Use nonverbal behavior to facilitate communication (e.g., be aware of physical stance conveying nonverbal messages)
- Listen for the unexpressed message and feeling, as well as content, of the conversation
- Be aware of which words are avoided, as well as the nonverbal message that accompanies the expressed words
- Be aware of the tone, tempo, volume, pitch, and inflection of the voice
- Identify the predominant themes
- Determine the meaning of the message by reflecting on attitudes, past experiences, and the current situation
- Time a response so that it reflects understanding of the received message
- Clarify the message through the use of questions and feedback
- Verify understanding of messages through use of questions or feedback
- Use a series of interactions to discover the meaning of behavior
- Avoid barriers to active listening (e.g., minimizing feelings, offering easy solutions, interrupting, talking about self, and premature closure)
- Use silence/listening to encourage the expression of feelings, thoughts, and concerns
Awareness Wheel
The Awareness Wheel is a tool for processing events to have a clearer understanding of the thoughts, emotions, and actions we can decide to take. Using this model helps each of us decide how to respond to an issue rather than go with our automatic reaction. It works with communication and for self-reflection.
An issue can be defined as a situation, event, experience, awareness, or opportunity that concerns you or any other person in your network that requires resolution. Issues indicate something is changing or must change. Issues are made up of 5 types of information: sensory, thoughts, feelings, wants and actions. By using the Awareness Cycle you can better articulate your understanding of the issue one step at a time.
Starting from Sensory Data, you can move clockwise around the circle to avoid confusion about how you stand on any issue. When speaking, talk through your Awareness Wheel using the first person, or “I” statements to take responsibility for your words.
Sensory Data – What have I seen, heard? Example: I saw Sandy and Kim whispering during my presentation.
Thoughts – What do I think is going on? What are the stories in my head? (beliefs, judgments, influences). Example: I assumed they were having a personal conversation.
Feelings – How am I feeling? (mad, sad, glad, afraid, surprised, disgusted). Example: I was angry and felt they were being rude.
Wants – What do I want? For myself, for others, for stakeholders? What are my intentions, desires, hopes? Example: I want to be respected.
Actions – What will I do? (future) What have I been doing? (past and current) Example: I will ask them if they have any questions about my presentation.
Having Difficult Conversations
Moving toward agreement, understanding, and learning may mean having difficult conversations. A critical point to consider is “Why are these conversations difficult?” As we think about this, it may be necessary to look at our own assumptions, judgments, and fears.
We need to start with the Awareness Star and the Interpersonal Gap as frames of reference for our thoughts and feelings. This means engaging in three types of “conversations” as described below:
| Conversation Category | A Battle of Messages | A Learning Conversation |
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1. The “What Happened?” Conversation: What’s the story here? Challenge: The situation is more complex than either person can see. We’re good at making assumptions. Focusing on changing our assumptions and moving toward learning conversations gets us to collaboration and agreement. |
Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened. Goal: Persuade them that I’m right.
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Assumption: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table; there are likely to be important things that each of us doesn’t know. Goal: Explore each other’s stories: how we understand the situation and why.
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Assumption: I know what “they” intended. Goal: Let them know what they did was wrong. |
Assumption: I know what I intended, and the impact their actions had on me. I don’t and can’t know what’s in their head. Goal: Share the impact on me, and find out what they were thinking. Also find out what impact I’m having on them. |
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2. The Feelings Conversation: What should we do with our emotions? Challenge: The situation is emotionally charged. |
Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share (or, my feelings are their fault and they need to hear about them). Goal: Avoid talking about feelings. (Or let’em have it!). |
Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings. Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgments or attributions. Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving. |
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3. The Identity Conversation: What does this say about me? Challenge: The situation threatens our identity. |
Assumption: I’m competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable. There is no in-between. Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image. |
Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us. Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect. Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to maintain my balance better. |
* Content from the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project, 1999. © need permission to use
A Checklist for Action
Step One: Prepare by walking through the three conversations:
- Sort out what happened. Where do your stories come from? Theirs? What impact has the situation had on you? What might their intentions have been? What have each/all of you contributed?
- Understand emotions.
- Ground your identity. What’s at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded?
Step Two: Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue:
- Purposes: What do you hope to accomplish? Be sure your stance supports learning, sharing, and problem-solving.
- Deciding: What is the best way to address the issue?
Step Three: Start from the invisible third story?
- Describe the problem as the difference between your stories.
- Share your purposes.
- Invite others to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together.
Step Four: Explore Their Story and Yours
- Listen to understand others’ perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge feelings. Paraphrase for clarity.
- Share your own viewpoint, your past experiences, intentions, feelings.
- Reframe, reframe, and reframe to keep on track. Move from truth to perceptions, blame to contribution, accusations to feelings, etc.
Step Five: Problem Solving
- Invent options that meet everyone’s concerns and interests.
- Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual care-taking.
- Talk about how to keep communication
Points to Ponder:
- Our intent rarely equals the impact of what we say.
- We need to understand not only what is said but what isn’t said.
- If we don’t understand, we dismiss what others are saying.
- People almost never change without first feeling understood.
- Curiosity may have killed the cat but it keeps collaboration alive.
- Blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding.
- When we blame we offer others the role of the accused.
- It’s always the right time to listen.
Remember:
- Disentangle intent from impact.
- Listen for feelings and reflect your intentions.
- Learn their story. Share your story.
- Determine your own contribution.
- Keep communication open.
- Problem solve together.
Communication Tips
Tips on Listening for Understanding
- Focus – Pay complete attention to the individual and the message he or she is trying to convey.
- Offer feedback – Actively engage the speaker through encouraging words and gestures, clarifying questions, and summarizing key points. The listener is as responsible as the speaker for making sure effective communication takes place.
- Observe your own filters – Creating personal meaning from the speaker’s comments is normal. Control putting the individual’s comments in context with your own experiences, knowledge, and perceptions. Practice observing your filters and how they impact communication. Be sure to check out the conclusions your draw.
Tips on Giving Effective Feedback
- Remember that feedback cannot be forced on someone; it must be voluntarily accepted
- The goal of feedback is to help someone understand and accept the impact of his or her behavior on others and to present blind spots. It is not to change someone’s behavior. It is not giving advice. Any behavior change is up to the feedback recipient
- Feedback that labels behavior as good or bad is uncomfortable to give and receive. Feedback that judges behavior is more likely to be ineffective, offensive, or destructive
- Using a situation-behavior-impact model for discussion is more effective
Receiving Difficult Feedback & Welcoming Complaints
As important as it is to share feedback with others and engage in conversations that you perceive to be difficult, it is equally as important to be receptive to feedback. As a coach think about feedback that you receive and try to model the behaviors for others.
- Control your defensiveness. Fear of hurting you or having to deal with defensive or justifying behavior make people hesitant to give feedback or share concerns.
- Invite complaints as if they were gifts. Create an atmosphere where caregivers feel invited to bring forward concerns, feedback, and challenges.
- Listen to understand. Practice all the skills of an effective listener including using body language and facial expressions that encourage the other person.
- Suspend judgment.
- Summarize and reflect what you hear. Ask questions to clarify. Focus on questions to make sure you understand the feedback or concern.
- Ask for examples and stories that illustrate the feedback or concern, so you know you share meaning with the person providing feedback.
- Be approachable. Your openness to feedback is obvious through your body language, facial expressions, and welcoming manner.
- Check with others to determine the reliability of the feedback or concern.
- Most importantly follow-up, take action if need be and get back to the person(s) who brought forward the feedback or concern.
Teach others to gracefully accept feedback by reminding them to:
- Look for good intent, and focus on the content
- Listen without reaction and manage negative reactions
- Choose a few questions that will clarify your concerns with the feedback
- Find common concerns and offer your willingness to engage in collaborative problem solving
- Don’t over-justify or defend your actions
