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7 Chapter 7 – Listening and Compassionate Listening
Listening and Compassionate Listening
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”~Stephen Covey
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. ~Epictetus.
Listening seems like a natural and automatic process, although it is far from intuitive or obvious. While preparing to write this chapter, we noticed that most materials on listening stem from a primarily American cultural perspective. Nevertheless, of course, it is not. Different cultures listen in different ways. A student from Cameroon noted that in his culture “…communicating with family means avoiding eye contact with parents or elders within both family and society in general. To listen, we look down to show respect.”
This chapter includes two sections. Section one will define listening and its processes and address barriers to listening and poor listening behaviors. In section two, we will address different skills for improving one’s listening in intercultural communication contexts.
Section One Learning Outcomes
Define Listening.
Describe and diagram the listening process.
Discuss some of the environmental and physical barriers to effective listening.
Explain how cognitive and personal factors can present barriers to effective listening.
Discuss common ineffective listening practices.
Listening Defined
In our sender-oriented society, listening is often overlooked as an essential component of the communication process. Yet research shows that adults spend about 45 percent of their time listening, which is more than any other communicative activity. In some contexts, we spend even more time listening than that. On average, workers spend 55 percent of their workday listening, and managers spend about 63 percent of their day listening according to Owen Hargie, Skilled Interpersonal Interaction: Research, Theory, and Practice (London: Routledge, 2011), 177.
Listening is a primary means through which we learn new information, which can help us meet instrumental needs as we learn things that helps us complete certain tasks at work or school and get things done in general. The act of listening to our relational partners provides support, which is an important part of relational maintenance and helps us meet our relational needs. Listening to what others say about us helps us develop an accurate self-concept, which can help us more strategically communicate for identity needs in order to project to others our desired self. Overall, improving our listening skills can help us be better students, better relational partners, and more successful professionals.
Listening is the internal process of choosing to intentionally or mindfully focus our attention on something we hear while not letting our attention go elsewhere (O’Hair et.al. 2015). Listening is more than simply being quiet while someone else is speaking; you can hear something without understanding it or giving it any attention. Another term for listening is mindful attending: mindful means thoughtfully or intentionally and attending means to show up or be present. So when you listen, you are intentionally being present. Listening is also the communication skill we use the most in any given day. “If you are engaged in human communication, listening never stops” (Brownell 2010). Listening is far from being a passive or easy activity; in fact, depending on what and why we are listening, listening well can be a challenge.
Listening is a process consisting of several stages that occur almost simultaneously. First, we hear and select the sounds that get our attention. Next, we understand what we hear by thinking about the literal information of the message, and we also interpret the related, or connotative, meanings of the message. Then, we evaluate the message to not only determine its accuracy and validity based on other information we have, but also the relevance of the message to our goals and needs. After that we remember the information after it has gone through all of these stages and, finally, we use the result of this process to inform how we respond to what we have heard (McCornack and Ortiz, 2015; Brownell 2010). (Just the Basics, McGoff-Dean, p. 72)
According to Kristin Fuller (2021) who wrote The Difference Between Hearing and Listening, Psychology Today, posted July 8, 2021 “…[hearing] is a physiological reaction caused by sound waves …that stimulate the ear’s… sensory receptors. Our brain screens only a portion of stimuli and allows only a select few to come into focus. It is a passive process depending upon and responding to select auditory stimuli (selective hearing) requiring no attention. Indeed, as it is ingrained and familiar, it may only hear what is ingrained and reinforce stereotypical or prejudicial views due to one’s familial upbringing and comfortable cultural cues. Remember, though, that hearing is not listening. There are “…significant differences between the two, with one (listening) being more active, requiring effort, and the other (hearing) being involuntary and natural…passive, physical act that requires one sense and has to do with the perception of sound. It does not rely on concentration. Hearing is like collecting data; we hear sounds and words all day long, even if we are not paying attention to them…[This is akin to] passive listening, characterized as being disconnected, inattentive, and unreceptive. A passive listener has no desire to contribute effectively to the conversation…[and] most likely already has an opinion formed and is unwilling to work with the other individual to come to a solution” (Fuller, 2021) When actively listening from an intercultural perspective, we must closely examine our preconceived prejudices, biases, and stereotypes, whatever their cause, so that authentic communication between oneself and the unknown “other” can occur.
Visual stimuli (what we see – and we do see things differently due to our visual physical ability in addition to any physical barriers that might detract from seeing) are often not considered part of listening, though they affect listening. When we hear a speaker, we take nonverbal cues from their facial and bodily expression and eye contact rather than simply from listening to their words. In Chinese culture, making direct eye contact signifies anger and is a personal challenge. In Japan, pointing fingers at another is “calling them out” or blaming them for something – and thus can indicate a higher position or status that may lead to problems in a business context.
Remember that visual cues absent in phone calls, texts, and emails often lead to misunderstandings that visual and auditory cues help clear up. Further, listening is a skill one can cultivate. Individuals from the deaf community remind us they still listen – just differently than one who has the physical ability to hear. Notice, though, that the interpretation of how and whether one is listening is often found within a cultural context. For example, giving eye contact in an American context would be seen as a direct and helpful communication tool, not an aggressive “stare down,” yet, some Asian and African cultures view direct gazes as inappropriate. Looking through the Cultural Atalas, you will find some countries use eye contact in the same way Americans do. Observing and adapting to the communication partner will be helpful in an intercultural communication conversation or interview. Consider the many questions going through one’s head: “Is my partner looking down–maybe I should look away?” or “Is this person giving me the stare-down?” Listening skills, especially in an intercultural setting, take time to cultivate, and interpretation of the message is challenging. Learning the skills of active and compassionate listening then assists one in developing intercultural communication competence.
The Process of Listening
Intercultural Communication, like all communication, seeks to share and understand the meaning in diverse settings. Below, Green, Keith Green, Fairchild, Knudsen & Lease-Gubrud (2018) explain the process of listening in the materials accessed from their creative commons OER book, Introduction to Communication: A Free, Open-Source, Introductory Communication Studies Text, as follows:
Human relationships are built on communication. As we speak and listen, learn about each other, and get to know each other in personal ways, relationships grow and thrive. Our relationships (interculural as well) are characteried by how we communicate, including what we talk about, when we talk about it, and how we respond. The substance of relationships is how we communicate. Interaction is comprised of what we tell each other (disclosure) and how we attend to each other’s disclosure (listening).
We engage in four communication behaviors: listening, speaking, reading, and writing. Of these four, listening is by far the most frequently used. According to the International Listening Association:
‘Listening is the process of receiving, constructing meaning from, and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages’ (Verderber and MacGeorge, p. 197). Ever since the first effort to study and assess listening time, the Rankin study of 1926, researchers have looked at how we use each of these behaviors within our overall communication package (Brownell, 2010). Taking into account a range of studies since Rankin’s first in 1926, we can estimate the breakdown of our communication behaviors. The specific distribution of our individual communication behaviors [such as listening] will change daily and according to variables such as jobs, interests, and activities….’
The most used communication behavior, listening, is rarely taught as a unique, identifiable skill. “Listening is the most relational of all our communication behaviors. How we listen to another affects our relationships more than anything else we do. Too often, we focus on what to say when we need to focus far more on just listening to what the other person is saying. When others focus on us, attending to what we have to say, and listening and understanding our concerns, they give us a powerful message of worth and value (Green, Fairchild, Knudsen & Lease-Gubrud, 2018, Module 5, Section 1).
Listening is rarely taught as a unique, identifiable skill. Listening is the most relational of all our communication behaviors. How we listen to another affects our relationships more than anything else we do. Too often, we focus on what to say when we need to focus far more on just listening to what the other person is saying. When others focus on us, attending to what we have to say, and listening and understanding our concerns, they give us a powerful message of worth and value
Listening in an intercultural context is the process by which people of different cultures listen to each other to facilitate good communication. Notice above that the process of listening demands that we mindfully listen to what the “other” is saying. In doing so, we lift the speaker who, because we listen, feels that their message is important, meaningful, and therefore appreciated. Likewise, when those we speak to listen genuinely, we feel affirmed; we receive a “…powerful message of worth and value” (Green, et al., 2018)
Listening Model
Below, Green, Keith Green, Fairchild, Knudsen & Lease-Gubrud (2018) explain listening with the HURIER model. As you review this model, you will notice that the process is very similar to the selection, organization, interpretation process of perception.
Just like other aspects of communication, listening is a multi-faceted process. Judi Brownell (2010), author of Listening: Attitudes, Principles, and Skills, proposes the HURIER model as a description of the listening process. The HURIER acronym stands for:
The HURIER model is not a series of steps; the model functions to process interdependent components of stimuli.
HURIER Listening Model
Hearing is our ability to focus on and perceive the stimuli itself. In addition to the basic, physical process of capturing and processing the stimuli, the hearing stage also addresses our need to focus and concentrate on the message.
Understanding is decoding the message. We attach meaning to the symbols we receive, so we are focusing only on the verbal message.
Remembering is retaining what we have heard to be able to act on the message.
Interpreting is taking the message we have decoded, consider the whole communication package of nonverbal and verbal, and look deeper at what was meant and what underlying messages may be involved.
Evaluating is making judgments about what we have heard. In a critical listening situation, we obviously need to make careful judgments about what we are being told. In an interpersonal setting, we need to make judgments of the degree of the emotion and what our role as a friend may be.
Responding refers to how we react to the message. We need to consider what is more appropriate or less appropriate as feedback. We also need to realize our comments, questions, or even nonverbal feedback can send strong messages about the worth of the other person and the importance of their concern.
Attribution: Green, Keith Green, Fairchild, Knudsen & Lease-Gubrud (2018)
Listening Styles
The following materials share different listening styles from Communication in the Real World (2016):
Just as there are different types of listening, there are also different styles of listening. People may be categorized as one or more of the following listeners: people-oriented, action-oriented, content-oriented, and time-oriented listeners. Research finds that 40 percent of people have more than one preferred listening style, and that they choose a style based on the listening situation (Bodie & Villaume, 2003). Other research finds that people often still revert back to a single preferred style in times of emotional or cognitive stress, even if they know a different style of listening would be better (Worthington, 2003).
People-oriented listeners are concerned about the needs and feelings of others and may get distracted from a specific task or the content of a message to address feelings.
Action-oriented listeners prefer well-organized, precise, and accurate information. They can become frustrated when they perceive communication as unorganized or inconsistent or a speaker as “long-winded.”
Content-oriented listeners are analytic and enjoy processing complex messages. They like in-depth information, learning about multiple sides of a topic, or hearing multiple perspectives on an issue. Their thoroughness can be challenging to manage if there are time constraints.
Time-oriented listeners are concerned with completing tasks and achieving goals. They do not like information perceived as irrelevant and like to stick to a timeline. They may cut people off and make quick decisions (taking shortcuts or cutting corners) when they think they have enough information. For intercultural communication, understanding the listening styles of different cultures enhances learning and helps prevent misunderstandings.
Intercultural and Cross-Cultural Barriers to Listening
Communication students will study listening in most, if not all, communication courses. We face many barriers to listening within an intercultural or cross-cultural context. For example, the role privilege plays can help us understand how walls to good listening are heightened.
Listening is not simply hearing another person speak. We are talking about the practice of listening with the full intent to understand another, while engaging with the conversation in meaningful ways. It involves putting your ego aside, withholding judgment, and directing your full attention to the things the speaker is saying. It can also apply when you’re listening to the radio or reading an article that presents a different perspective. Listening is a practice of engaging with the world in an attentive, empathic way.
While we don’t always want to acknowledge it, we all have unconscious biases and unrecognized assumptions about [cultures or cross-cultures] with people who look different from us. And these assumptions can keep us from hearing what that individual is saying, from seeing who that individual really is. This may have been what was happening with Mei. We can tackle this by setting an intention to really, actively listen to each other.
As sometimes uncomfortable or heated conversations about police brutality and racism begin to enter mainstream discourse, it’s important that we all take some time to learn what it means to truly listen. While you might feel a strong need to speak out on these issues, give your own perspective, or offer solutions that you think may work, start by listening deeply to what is being said.
If you come from a place of privilege, listening is the first thing you can do to practice anti-racism. Privilege manifests as a set of blinders on the world; those with privilege are often unaware of the harms they do to those without. BIPOC (an acronym that stands for Black, Indigenous, and/or people of color) have been vocal about these topics for years but were largely not heard until the murder of George Floyd forced mainstream media and society to pay attention. We need to pay attention to the voices of those who have been doing the work all along. And we can best do so with listening, which provides a bridge to understanding the lived experiences of marginalized groups; an essential step in devising and implementing solutions for the future.
The University of MN (2022) shares three tips to keep in mind that can help center the materials presented in this chapter on intercultural and cross-cultural contexts and how listening can be used as a tool for anti-racism work. They share:
Direct your full attention to the speaker. Quiet the background noise in your mind and focus on the speaker and the meaning behind the words they are saying. Using your full attention also involves letting go of the urge to craft a response as you listen. Instead, listen with your whole self, and trust that it is only through listening that you could be able to respond wisely–if a response is even necessary.
Ask clarifying questions when appropriate. As you turn your attention to the meaning that is being conveyed by the speaker, you will undoubtedly encounter a need for clarification. Make sure to ask questions that grow understanding rather than questions that challenge a speaker’s perspective. Now is not the time to debate the validity of someone’s experience. Now is the time to learn.
Choose when you speak. It is impossible to speak and listen simultaneously, so it’s essential to recognize that one comes at the expense of another. People in positions of privilege or power should be especially mindful of speaking over those without. If you are someone who tends to speak often, try taking a speaking break. You may be surprised by what you hear when you allow space for others’ ideas to emerge (University of MN, 2022).
What is a Listening Barrier?
Before looking at barriers to effective intercultural and cross-cultural listening, a better understanding of what listening barriers, in general, include is noted in Communication in the Real World (2016):
Barriers to effective listening are present at every stage of the listening process (Hargie, 2011). At the receiving stage, noise can block or distort incoming stimuli. At the interpreting stage, complex or abstract information may be difficult to relate to previous experiences, making it difficult to reach understanding. At the recalling stage, natural limits to our memory and challenges to concentration can interfere with remembering. At the evaluating stage, personal biases and prejudices can lead us to block people out or assume we know what they are going to say. At the responding stage, a lack of paraphrasing and questioning skills can lead to misunderstanding.
Communication in the Real World (2016) shares that bad listening practices are barriers that impact our ability to listen:
The previously discussed barriers to effective listening may be difficult to overcome because they are at least partially beyond our control. Physical barriers, cognitive limitations, and perceptual biases exist within all of us, and it is more realistic to believe that we can become more conscious of and lessen them than it is to believe that we can eliminate them altogether. Other “bad listening” practices may be habitual, but they are easier to address with some concerted effort.
Additional Barriers to Intercultural Communication and Listening
Anxiety
It is not unusual to experience some level of discomfort in communicating with individuals from other cultures or co-cultures. It may be that we feel as though we will do or say the wrong thing. This can make the interaction awkward or can lead us to avoid opportunities for intercultural communication. Although not as detrimental as ethnocentrism or stereotypes, anxiety can prevent us from making intercultural connections that will enrich our lives.
Assumption of Similarities
Although you know differently, many people mistakenly assume that simply being human makes everyone alike. However, as we’ve discussed, values, beliefs, and attitudes can vary vastly from culture to culture. Those who assume a person from another cultural background is just like them will often misread or misinterpret and perhaps even be offended by any intercultural encounter. In intercultural communication, assume differences in communication style will exist that you may be unaware of. It is important to avoid interpreting another individual’s behavior through your own cultural lens.
Ethnocentrism
Where did you start reading on this page? The top left corner. Why not the bottom right corner, or the top right one? In English, we read left to right, from the top of the page to the bottom. But not everyone reads the same. If you read and write Arabic or Hebrew, you will proceed from right to left. Neither is right or wrong, simply different. Americans tend to say that people from England drive on the “wrong” side of the road, rather than on the “other” side. You may find it hard to drive on the other side of the road while visiting England, but for people in the United Kingdom, it is normal and natural. A high level of appreciation for one’s own culture can be healthy; a shared sense of community pride, for example, connects people in a society. But ethnocentrism can lead to disdain or dislike for other cultures and could cause misunderstanding and conflict. Ethnocentrism assumes our culture or co-culture is superior to or more important than others and evaluates all other cultures against it. To dismantle ethnocentrism, we must recognize that our views of the world, what we consider right and wrong, normal or weird, are largely influenced by our cultural standpoint and that our cultural standpoint is not everyone’s cultural standpoint. This ethnocentric bias has received some challenge recently in United States’ schools as teachers make efforts to create a multicultural classroom by incorporating books, short stories, and traditions from non-dominant groups.
Ethnocentrism shows up in large and small ways. A “small” way might be in disdain for other cultures’ or co-cultures’ food preferences. Some individuals express disgust at other cultures’ eating meat from a dog or guinea pig, for example, while they don’t question their own habit of eating cows or pigs. A “large” and one of the most horrific examples of ethnocentrism in history can be seen is in the Nazi’s elevation of the Aryan race in World War II and the corresponding killing of Jews, Gypsies, gays and lesbians, and other non-Aryan groups.
Stereotypes
Stereotypes are oversimplified ideas about groups of people. Stereotypes can be based on race, ethnicity, age, gender, sexual orientation — almost any characteristic. They may be positive, such as all Asian students are good at math, but are most often negative, such as all overweight people are lazy. Stereotyping is a generalization that doesn’t take individual differences into account.
Stereotypes are frequently expressed on TV, in movies, chat rooms and blogs, and in conversations with friends and family. Further research has found that stereotypes are often used outside of our awareness, making it very difficult to correct them. And when we are distracted or under time pressure, these tendencies become even more powerful (Stangor & Duan, 1991). Still, it’s crucial to try to recognize our own stereotypic thinking. Treating individuals according to rigid stereotypic beliefs is detrimental to all aspects of the communication process and can lead to prejudice and discrimination.
Prejudice
Prejudice is a negative attitude and feeling toward an individual based solely on one’s membership in a particular social group, such as gender, race, ethnicity, nationality, social class, religion, sexual orientation, profession, and many more (Allport, 1954; Brown, 2010). An example of prejudice is having a negative attitude toward people who are not born in the United States and disliking them because of their status as “foreigners.”
Because it is often difficult to recognize our own prejudices, several tests have been created to help us recognize our own “implicit” or hidden biases. The most well-known implicit measure of prejudice—the Implicit Association Test (IAT)—is frequently used to assess stereotypes and prejudice (Nosek, Greenwald, & Banaji, 2007). In the IAT, participants are asked to classify stimuli that they view on a computer screen into one of two categories by pressing one of two computer keys, one with their left hand and one with their right hand. Furthermore, the categories are arranged such that the responses to be answered with the left and right buttons either “fit with” (match) the stereotype or do not “fit with” (mismatch) the stereotype.
When our prejudices and stereotypes are unchallenged, they can lead to action in the forms of discrimination and even violence. Racial discrimination is discrimination against an individual based solely on membership in a specific racial group. There have been a number of shocking highly publicized instances in which African-Americans were killed by vigilantes or law enforcement, one of the more disturbing being the case of George Floyd. On May 25, 2020, George Floyd died after Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin knelt on his neck for over 8 minutes; almost 3 of those minutes were after Floyd was unconscious. (Dovidio et al., 2010). And in late 2020, “the United Nations issued a report that detailed “an alarming level” of racially motivated violence and other hate incidents against Asian Americans.” According to a Pew Research Report, “32% of Asian adults say they have feared someone might threaten or physically attack them…with the majority of Asian adults (81%) saying violence against them is increasing. (Pew Research Center, Ap. 11, 2021) Mexican Americans and other Latinx groups are also targets, both of citizens and police. (Dovidio et al., 2010)
Discussions about stereotypes, prejudice, racism, and discrimination are unsettling to some. However, we must recognize these attributes in ourselves and others before we can take steps to challenge and change their existence.
Section Two: Improving Listening in Intercultural Contexts
Define Active Listening.
Define Compassionate Listening.
Discuss Deep Listening.
Practice Listening Skills in Intercultural Contexts.
Active Listening
“Active listening refers to the process of pairing outwardly visible positive listening behaviors with positive cognitive listening practices. Active listening can help address many of the environmental, physical, cognitive, and personal barriers to effective listening… The behaviors associated with active listening can also enhance informational, critical, and empathetic listening” (Communication, 2016). Active listening is the “process of fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively ‘hearing’ the message of the speaker. Developing proper active listening skills involves the utilization of both verbal and non-verbal cues to signal to the speaker that you are being fully attentive” (https://hr.berkeley.edu/active-listening.
Tips for active listening (Communication, 2016):
Use of “I” statements to show the speaker that any reflection is “yours” and, as such, an interpretation.
Nonverbally, active listeners try to, “SOFTEN” the communication situation to show nonverbally that one is listening. SOFTEN refers to the use of a Smile, Open Posture, Facial Expressions, Touch (by shaking hands or another appropriate manner), Eye Contact, Nods (Wassmer, 1978).
Reply with a paraphrase (or restatement in your own words) to show one is listening and to clarify the message.
Problems with “One Size Fits All” Advice
Active listening techniques are taught to help listeners become better prepared to listen and are designed to “show” the speaker that the listener is indeed paying attention. Active listening, then, is “…the process of fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively ‘hearing’ the message of the speaker. Developing proper active listening skills involves the utilization of both verbal and non-verbal cues to signal to the speaker that you are being fully attentive” (https://hr.berkeley.edu/active-listening). However, like all communication skills, one must remember that this approach is contextual. Consider the advice given to readers of the Cultural Atlas about communicating with South Sudanese.
Nonverbal Communcation of South Sudan (from the Cultural Atlas, 2022):
Physical Contact: It is very rare to see open displays of affection between couples in public.
Personal Space: It is important to keep a fair amount of distance from those of a higher status.
Eye Contact: It is a sign of respect to divert one’s gaze in South Sudan. Direct eye contact can be interpreted as rude and as a sign of disrespect for another’s authority. Hence, some South Sudanese may keep it to a minimum when talking to superiors and elders. It’s best to make short and infrequent eye-to-eye contact and avoid steady gazes at those of the opposite gender.
Nodding: A single nod of the head downwards usually means “yes”, while a movement of the head upwards means “no”.
Expression: It is not commonplace to smile at strangers in South Sudan. Therefore, some South Sudanese may have quite a serious exterior upon first meeting people, reserving smiles for friends. Once they are familiar with someone, they generally become very animated.
Pointing: It is rude to point at people with a single index finger. However, people may do it to indicate ill feelings towards that person. They may also point with their tongue or with the back of their closed fist.
Imagine yourself waving and saying to a new friend from South Sudan, “Come over here,” and you use your index finger to beckon them, pointing it at them, then curling your finger toward you and out. You this as “Over here, my friend.” Meanwhile, the South Sudanese person may culturally perceive this as an insult and the message as your – “calling me like a dog.” That gesture is one given from power and degrades another (to put them in their place), according to the Cultural Atlas and other research. Next, imagine you look right at that person and nod as they speak. You have smiled. From the scenario above, smiling at a stranger would be unusual. Therefore, using the “SOFTENS” technique outlined above might be seen as strange – or it might communicate a mixed message (why call me like a dog, then smile like we are friends when we are just acquaintances, what does this person want from me?).
Again, this chapter points out the paradox that just as you “master” the skills of listening, you find yourself in a new situation and realize that not all cultures will share that same listening behavior. Within a country as vast as the United States, different regional areas communicate with distinct accents, pauses, and mannerisms. Imagine a midwesterner paraphrasing a New Yorker. When traveling with her best friend in Colombia, Lori found that listening to others within the friendly, “laid back” Caribbean Coast of Colombia, the small villages of central Colombia, and the fast pace (New York City feeling) of highly populated Bogata varied greatly. Lori’s hosts mentioned city life and coastal life cultivate different paces in talking and listening. The pause time, the rate of speech, and even the verbal communication itself varied. The hosts also shared that the words themselves differ in tone and emotional content – the Caribbean sweetness is also very direct. Just like the difference between the rate of speech, the rate of “waiting” to listen differs between New York City, and Salt Lake City, Utah, listening will differ within cultures, co-cultures, sub-cultures, and nationalities as well.
Paraphrasing
Many communication textbooks share the skill of paraphrasing in the “listening chapter.” Communication in the Real World (2016) explains:
Paraphrasing is a responding behavior that can also show that you understand what was communicated. When you paraphrase information, you rephrase the message into your own words. For example, you might say the following to start off a paraphrased response: “What I heard you say was…” or “It seems like you’re saying…” You can also ask clarifying questions to get more information. It is often a good idea to pair a paraphrase with a question to keep a conversation flowing. For example, you might pose the following paraphrase and question pair: “It seems like you believe you were treated unfairly. Is that right?” Or you might ask a standalone question like “What did your boss do that made you think he was ‘playing favorites?’” Make sure to paraphrase and/or ask questions once a person’s turn is over, because interrupting can also be interpreted as a sign of not listening. Paraphrasing is also a good tool to use in computer-mediated communication, especially since miscommunication can occur due to a lack of nonverbal and other contextual cues.
There are three types of paraphrases. We’ll add more videos on paraphrasing later in the semester. Messages content – what is said. However, they also share a relational message that shares an emotional tone. Additionally, intent, or “why you are telling me this” can be paraphrased for clarification. Paraphrasing for intent is related to a perception check. In all forms of paraphrasing, the goal is, to begin with, “I” language, restate the message received, then ask for clarification. Note the differences in the three types of paraphrases.
Paraphrase for Content – or the Basic Paraphrase:
I statement: I hear you saying…
Restatement of what you said, that __________________________.
Ask for clarification: is that right?
Example:
I’m hearing that you are confused about where to go next. Is that right?
Paraphrase for Emotional Tone:
I heard you say: __________________
It sounds to me like maybe you are feeling ________________.
Am I right? How are you feeling?
Example:
I noticed you said you are frustrated when people ask you again and again what you said.
It also sounds to me like maybe you are feeling sad.
Is that correct? How are you feeling?
Consider a Paraphrase for Intent (why they are telling you this):
I heard you say: ____________________.
I am wondering if you are telling me this because ___________________.
Can you tell me more?
Example:
I heard you mention that public speaking is hard and that you speak 3 languages.
I am wondering if you are telling me this so I can help you better understand how to approach this assignment and your feelings from an American experience.
Can you tell me more?
While the goals of “active listening” are to first, share reflect or information for the speaker, second, show the speaker you are listening, and third to help you, as a listener, retain the information shared by the speaker, some scholars in “Compassion Studies” stress the need to just listen without stopping the conversation or redirecting it. Many in the area of Trauma Informed Communication share this sentiment – don’t interrupt. Scholars in Compassion and Trauma-Informed Care Practices also share the danger of trying too hard to empathize. In the videos shared in the last section, you’ll hear a conflict that ensues when one speaker shares a comment much like this: “I know what you mean, we always want something we don’t have. I ALWAYS wanted curly hair and even got perms as a kid. It didn’t work out other than frizzy hair.” One student remembers making a similar comment, trying to show the connection to the speaker who was sharing the frustration of his thick curly hair. He was also trying to share how alienated he felt when white people would touch his hair which he wore in, as he called it, “a large-ass Afro.” In trying too hard to show connection, the student now wishes she had just nodded and asked, “what did that feel like?” or even nothing at all. Perming one’s hair is not the same as having others touch you unsolicited – and it doesn’t begin to address the layers of frustration the speaker later shared about this experience. You will note a similar interaction in the highlighted videos below and in this week’s discussion board area.
Listening is part of the third component of intercultural communication competence (developing communication skills) – the other two competencies are motivation (motivated to do what is necessary for successful intercultural communication encounters) and possessing some knowledge of different cultures (Samovar, Porter, McDaniel, & Roy, 2017; Lustig and Koestler, 2010). Though practiced as a variety of skills that must be adapted to the intercultural context, active listening is a critical practice that makes intercultural communication encounters more successful. Hence, listening is part of all three components of intercultural communication competence. Again, keep in mind that culture affects listening and we all make mistakes. It is important to keep trying. Advice might seem contradictory, and, as pointed out, it can be! For example, different cultures put different values on silence and listening in their communication process. Many Asian cultures hold that words often clutter one’s understanding; silence may be preferable to talking – consider the Buddhist expression, “There is a truth that words cannot reach.”
Active Listening Tips for Intercultural Communication Situations
Listening is active and is part and parcel of effective and sensitive perception-checking that moves the conversation forward and demonstrates effective intercultural communication competence. While remembering each culture possesses unique communication norms, expectations, and behaviors, McLean (2018) shares some general tips to facilitate active listening and reading:
Maintain eye contact with the speaker when culturally appropriate.
Don’t interrupt.
Focus on the message and how it is said, not your internal monologue.
Restate the message in your own words and ask if you understood correctly.
Ask clarifying questions to communicate interest and gain insight (McLean, 2018, Section 2.6).
Compassionate Listening
Defining Compassionate Listening
The concept of compassionate listening (in the literature, akin to mindfulness or empathy), is a particularly effective listening posture–a touchstone for effective intercultural communication that enables one to respectfully communicate and learn with a profound richness and depth in an intercultural/diverse setting. Compassionate listening sometimes is called, “empathic” listening. However, compassionate listening is much more than showing empathy.
Empathy is a gateway to compassion. It’s understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for you — it’s a mode of relating. Compassion takes it further. It’s feeling what that person is feeling, holding it, accepting it, and taking some kind of action. In metta or loving-kindness meditation practice, one can silently repeat phrases to others as a way of acknowledging them and our own interconnectedness. It’s easy and highly portable. When I’m on the train, I silently repeat phrases like, “May you be happy; may you be safe; may you be at ease; may you be free from suffering,” to the passengers, particularly those who look like they need it most. This plants the seeds of compassion, and we can find ourselves acting in compassionate ways that never would have occurred to us before. As it turns out, this ancient practice has some amazing scientific discoveries to give it cred (Chandler, n.d.).
The Practice of Compassionate or Deep Listening
Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and Noel Peace Prize winner, asserts compassionate (deep) listening moves beyond mere interaction. He claims that compassionate listening can be used to help end suffering for individuals and societies. He discussed his notion of compassionate listening during an interview with Oprah Winfrey (Oprah Winfrey Network, 2012):
Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.
Practicing self-care complements compassionate listening. Compassion is simply defined as showing care to someone who suffers. Often, listening to someone who “suffers” offers a true lifeline; however, it can also be draining and exhausting to the listener. Others might say it is renewing. It is a different listening and one not shared often in communication classes. One must understand, too, that not ALL situations call for compassionate or deep listening. Sometimes a paraphrase is just fine. Listening to someone you disagree with or hearing someone share a viewpoint on complex and controversial topics such as “Black Lives Matter” / “All Lives Matter” or standing/kneeling for the flag can take on a personal aspect that may thwart civil discussion. Dismissing the urge to “correct” can be difficult.
To practice “deep listening,” Rome (2010) suggests one must prepare physically as well as intellectually for compassionate listening. Rome’s article (https://www.mindful.org/deep-listening/) lists several activities one can practice increasing mindful listening.
Deep Listening involves listening, from a deep, receptive, and caring place in oneself, to deeper and often subtler levels of meaning and intention in the other person. It is listening that is generous, empathic, supportive, accurate, and trusting. Trust here does not imply agreement, but the trust that whatever others say, regardless of how well or poorly it is said, comes from something true in their experience. Deep Listening is an ongoing practice of suspending self-oriented, reactive thinking and opening one’s awareness to the unknown and unexpected (Rome, 2010).
Again, a fundamental approach to listening reminds us that sometimes “less is more” when it comes to “being there” for a friend or stranger. McLean (2018), as noted below, offers the following tips to facilitate listening and conversation, helping one be in the moment when things get tough:
Set aside a special time. To have a difficult conversation or read bad news, set aside a special time when you will not be disturbed. Close the door and turn off the television, music player, and instant messaging client.
Don’t interrupt. Keep silent while you let the other person “speak his [or her] piece.” If you are reading, make an effort to understand and digest the news without mental interruptions.
Be non-judgmental. Receive the message without judgment or criticism. Set aside your opinions, attitudes, and beliefs.
Be accepting. Be open to the message being communicated, realizing that acceptance does not necessarily mean you agree with what is being said.
Take turns. Wait until it is your turn to respond, and then measure your response in proportion to the message that was delivered to you. Reciprocal turn taking allows each person have his or her say.
Acknowledge. Let the other person know that you have listened to the message or read it attentively.
Understand. Be certain that you understand what your partner is saying. If you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Restate the message in your own words.
Keep your cool. Speak your truth without blaming. A calm tone will help prevent conflict from escalating. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I felt concerned when I learned that my department is going to have a layoff”) rather than “you” statements (e.g., “You want to get rid of some of our best people”) (McLean, 2018, Section 2.6).
Deep Listening
On May 12, 2013, Oprah Winfrey talked to Thich Nhat Hanh about “Deep Listening” – often also called “Compassionate Listening.” Listen the video below to learn more about how and why he practices this form of listening.
“The intention of Compassionate Listening is to access our deepest wisdom to transform separation and conflict into an opportunity for connection, healing and peace. Compassionate listening is:
A personal practice – to cultivate inner strength, self-awareness, self-regulation, and wisdom.
A skill set – to enhance interpersonal relations and navigate challenging conversations.
A process – to bring individuals or groups together to bridge their differences and transform conflict.
A healing gift – to offer compassion to a person who feels marginalized or is in pain (Susan Partnow, 2018).
Reflection Questions Based upon Susan Partnow’s Work:
This includes experiences from individuals who are Arab. What skills could you practice if you were in conversation with one of the speakers (or even just listening now?)
Developing the Fair Witness. If you were listening the speakers above, how would you be challenged to practice your ability to practice the skills suggested by the author:
Build capacity to stay centered in the “fire” of intense interactions or strong emotion.
Notice, unpack and contain your own triggers.
Look at a situation objectively by “going to the balcony”, considering each person’s role and stepping into their shoes to see their perspective.
Suspend judgment of yourself and others.
Distinguish the impact of someone’s words or actions from their intention.
Use language that reflects non-judgment (the language of the Fair Witness) when asking questions or providing feedback to others.
Seek information and experiences that expand your open-mindedness and increase your capacity to hold complexity and ambiguity.
Maintain a process of self-exploration to enhance your awareness and discern the voice of deep wisdom from the field of inner chatter (Partnow, 2018).
Respecting Self and Others. This includes the ability to use the following skills that Susan Partnow (2018) lists. Would you be able to use these skills if you were listening to the individuals in the video above on “How You See Me: Black?” Which could you practice well, which would be a challenge?
Resist giving advice unless asked.
Trust each person’s ability to solve his or her own problems (stay out of the rescue/drama triangle).
Discern how your emotional state impacts the group.
Practice self-care and take responsibility for your emotional well-being.
Be respectful of people’s differing tolerance levels and capacity for managing conflict.
Hold the intention to “do no harm.”
Take responsibility: “I am part of what is unfolding, not separate from it.”
Welcome connection yet set respectful limits, akin to creating a healthy membrane between yourself and another.
Again, leaning on the work of Susan Partnow (2018), which of the skills would you be able to cultivate, which skills might be difficult to practice of her fourth skill, “Listening with the Heart?”
Listening with the Heart. This includes the ability to:
Anchor in the heart when listening for the deeper qualities beneath the stories we hear.
Quiet your mind.
Stay grounded in your body.
Create spaciousness to manage the tension created by a multiplicity of views and feelings.
Offer listening as a gift, choosing to keep your opinions, stories and interpretations out of the way (“less is more”).
Gender Conversations can be hard to discuss. In the two videos above, the speakers share their experiences of being a woman and a man. These conversations, of course, do not share the experiences of nonbinary or gender-fluid individuals. The series did not include other gender expressions. How might you use the skills Susan Partnow (2018) suggests:
Speaking from the Heart. How could you use the suggestion Partnow (2018) shares that promote, “speaking from the heart” such as:
Anchor your energy in the heart when seeking words of understanding and connection.
Be courageous in giving voice to what has truth and meaning.
Use language that reflects your ability to connect to the wholeness of the other.
Use language that reflects a healing intention.
Identify in words underlying needs.
Use “reflective listening” effectively.
Name the essence of the issue, feeling, or concerns expressed.
Reframe issue, need, or situation to promote strength and healing.
Practice Paraphrasing: I hear you saying, __________________________________, is that right?
Practice a basic reflection: It sound to me like you are feeling ___________________________. How do you feel?
Practice an affirmation: I am honored __________________.
"Encoding is the process of turning thoughts into communication...[T]he level of conscious thought that goes into encoding messages varies" (Communication in the Real World, 2016).
" Decoding is the process of turning communication into thoughts. For example, you may realize you’re hungry and encode the following message to send to your roommate: “I’m hungry. Do you want to get pizza tonight?” As your roommate receives the message, he decodes your communication and turns it back into thoughts in order to make meaning out of it" (Communication in the Real World, 2016).
