2.3 Improving Perceptions of Others

So far, we have learned about the perception process and how we perceive others. Now we will turn to a discussion of how to improve our perception. There are many barriers that prevent us from competently perceiving others. Although some are more difficult to overcome than others, they can all be addressed by raising our awareness of the influences around us and committing to monitoring, reflecting on, and changing some of our communication habits. Whether it is our lazy listening skills, our lack of empathy, or our stereotypes and prejudice, various filters and blinders influence how we perceive and respond to others.

Develop Empathetic Listening Skills

Effective listening is not easy, and most of us do not make a concerted effort to overcome common barriers to listening. This is a skill we will discuss more in a later chapter of this book. Our fast-paced lives and cultural values that emphasize speaking over listening sometimes make listening feel like a chore. But we shouldn’t underestimate the power of listening to make someone else feel better and to open our perceptual field to new sources of information.

Empathetic listening can help us expand our self- and social awareness by helping us learn from other people’s experiences and taking on different perspectives. Empathetic listening is challenging because it requires a cognitive and emotional investment that goes beyond the learning of a skillset.

For example, to be a good teacher, a person must become a better listener. As a result, the individual will also gain more empathy skills and become a lot more patient. A valuable lesson you might learn during the process might be best stated as “Everyone’s biggest problem is their biggest problem.” If one person’s biggest problem is getting enough money together to buy a new smartphone, and another person’s biggest problem is saving enough money to purchase much needed medication, each of these people is likely experiencing a similar amount of stress. As an outsider, we might look at this example and think about how a smartphone isn’t necessary to live, but the medication is. But everyone’s reality is their own, and when you can concede that someone’s reality isn’t like yours and you are okay with that, then you have overcome a significant barrier to becoming more aware of the perception process.

Empathy versus Sympathy

Empathy and sympathy are concepts that are often confused, but the difference between the two is very important. Empathy is the ability to share someone else’s feelings, experiences, or emotions (Psychiatric Medical Care Communications Team, 2023). Empathy is not easy and involves a high level of vulnerability to listen without judging others (Psychiatric Medical Care Communications Team, 2023).

Sympathy is different in that it separates you from the other person. Sympathy involves the feeling that you are sorry and care about the trouble and misfortune of another person, but it places the person struggling in a place of judgement more than understanding (Psychiatric Medical Care Communications Team, 2023). The video below by Brené Brown helps to explains the difference between these two important concepts.

(Brown, 2013)

Beware of Stereotypes and Prejudice

Stereotypes are sets of beliefs that we develop about groups, which we then apply to individuals from that group. They are schemata that are taken too far because they reduce and ignore a person’s individuality and the diversity present within a larger group of people. Stereotypes can be based on cultural identities, physical appearance, behaviour, speech, beliefs, and values, among other things, and are often caused by a lack of information about the target person or group (Schaedig, 2020). Stereotypes can be positive, negative, or neutral, but they all run the risk of lowering the quality of our communication.

While the negative effects of stereotypes are pretty straightforward in that they devalue people and prevent us from adapting and revising our schemata, positive stereotypes can also have negative consequences. For example, the “model minority” stereotype has been applied to some Asian cultures in the United States. Seemingly positive stereotypes of Asian Americans as hardworking, intelligent, and willing to adapt to “mainstream” culture are not always received as positive and can lead some people within these communities to feel objectified, ignored, or overlooked.

Stereotypes can also lead to double standards that point to larger cultural and social inequalities. There are many more words to describe a sexually active female than a male, and the words used for females are disproportionately negative, while those used for males are more positive. Since stereotypes are generally based on a lack of information, we must take it upon ourselves to gain exposure to new kinds of information and people, which will likely require us to move out of our comfort zones. When we do meet people, we should base the impressions we make on describable behaviour rather than inferred or second-hand information. When stereotypes negatively influence our overall feelings and attitudes about a person or group, prejudiced thinking results.

Prejudice is negative feelings or attitudes toward people based on their identity or identities. Prejudice can have individual or widespread negative effects. At the individual level, a hiring manager may not hire a young person with a physical disability (even though that would be illegal if it were the only reason), which negatively affects that one individual. However, if pervasive cultural thinking that people with physical disabilities are unsuitable to be employees leads hiring managers all over the country to make similar decisions, then the prejudice has become a social injustice.

Engage in Self-Reflection

A good way to improve your perceptions and increase your communication competence in general is to engage in self-reflection. If a communication encounter doesn’t go well and you want to know why, your self-reflection will be much more useful if you are aware of and can recount your thoughts and actions.

Self-reflection can also help us increase our cultural awareness. Our thought process regarding culture is often “other focused,” meaning that the culture of the other person or group is what stands out in our perception. However, the old adage “Know thyself” is appropriate, as we become more aware of our own culture by better understanding other cultures and perspectives. Developing cultural self-awareness can take us out of our comfort zones, and listening to people who are different from us is a key component in developing self-knowledge. This may be uncomfortable because our taken-for-granted or deeply held beliefs and values may become less certain when we see the multiple perspectives that exist.

We can also become more aware of how our self-concepts influence how we perceive others. We often hold other people to the same standards we hold ourselves to, or we assume that their self-concept should be consistent with our own. For example, if you consider yourself a neat, well-groomed person and think that sloppiness in your personal appearance would show that you are unmotivated, rude, and lazy, then you are likely to judge a person who doesn’t have a tidy appearance the same way. So asking questions like “Is my impression based on how this person wants to be, or how I think this person should want to be?” can lead to enlightening moments of self-reflection.

Being able to see situations from a variety of perspectives increases your cognitive complexity. Cognitive complexity involves being able to construct different frameworks and perspectives for  seeing an issue (Medvene et al., 2006). This will also help improve our empathy for others because it increases our understanding of others’ actions (Medvene et al., 2006). Asking questions about the perceptions you are making is an integral part of perception checking, which we will discuss next.

Perception checking is a strategy to help us monitor our reactions to and perceptions about people and communication. There are some internal and external strategies we can use to engage in perception checking. In terms of internal strategies, review the various influences on perception that we have learned about in this chapter and always be willing to ask yourself “What is influencing the perceptions I am making right now?” Even being aware of what influences are acting on our perceptions makes us more aware of what is happening in the perception process. In terms of external strategies, we can use other people to help verify our perceptions.

Perception checking helps us slow down the perception and communication processes and allows us to have more control over both (Interpersonal communication, 2012). Perception checking involves being able to describe what is happening in a given situation, providing multiple interpretations of events or behaviors, and asking yourself and others questions for clarification (Interpersonal communication, 2012). Some of this process happens inside our heads, and some happens through interaction. Let’s take an interpersonal conflict as an example.

Stefano and Patrick are roommates. Stefano is in the living room playing a video game when he sees Patrick walk through the room with his suitcase and walk out the front door. Since Patrick didn’t say or wave good-bye, Stefano has to make sense of this encounter, and perception checking can help him do that. First, he needs to try to describe (not evaluate yet) what just happened. This can be done by asking yourself, “What is going on?” In this case, Patrick left without speaking or waving good-bye. Next, Stefano needs to think of some possible interpretations of what just happened. One interpretation could be that Patrick is mad about something (at him or someone else). Another could be that he was in a hurry and simply forgot, or that he didn’t want to interrupt the video game. In this step of perception checking, it is good to be aware of the attributions you are making. You might try to determine if you are overattributing internal or external causes. Lastly, you will want to verify and clarify. So Stefano might ask a mutual friend if she knows what might be bothering Patrick or going on in his life that made him leave so suddenly. Or he may also just want to call, text, or speak to Patrick. During this step, it’s important to be aware of punctuation. Even though Stefano has already been thinking about this incident, and is experiencing some conflict, Patrick may have no idea that his actions caused Stefano to worry. If Stefano texts and asks why he’s mad (which wouldn’t be a good idea because it’s an assumption) Patrick may become defensive, which could escalate the conflict. Stefano could just describe the behavior (without judging Patrick) and ask for clarification by saying, “When you left today you didn’t say bye or let me know where you were going. I just wanted to check to see if things are OK.”

The video below summarizes the process of perception checking and provides real-world examples of its use.

(Barton Blueprint for Emotional Intelligence, 2021)

Pillow Method

The pillow method was initially developed by a group of Japanese school children and was discussed by Alders et al. (2021) in their book Look: Looking Out, Looking In. This method is beneficial when the situation is too complex for perception checking and also works to increase cognitive complexity. This tool is used to help build empathy and understanding of others and their point of view. It involves viewing a situation from five positions (four sides and a middle), similar to a pillow, and enables you to gain understanding of an issue from various perspectives. While the positions are labeled as “right and wrong”, its better to think about them as more or less “understandable” or “reasonable.”

Position 1: “I’m right, you’re wrong” (i.e. “my position is more understandable, yours is less understandable”) – This involves seeing the benefits of your position and the faults in the other position.

Position 2: “You’re right, I’m wrong” – You find the best possible arguments for the other side’s point of view and the faults in your own position.

Position 3: “Both right, both wrong” – From this position, you find the merits and issues with both sides of the argument.

Position 4: “The issue isn’t as important as it seems” – Many issues are not as important as we feel they are. Although it may be difficult, consider how time will change how you feel about the issue and that you have possibly made the issue larger than it is.

Position 5: “There is truth in all four perspectives” – Consider the situation and the other four positions we have discussed above. At this point, it is common for people to realize that each position has some merit.

After viewing the issue or situation from all positions and perspectives, you will likely gain some insight and empathy into the situation. (Adler et al., 2021)

As we have learned in this chapter, the perceptions that we make of others and ourselves and that others make of us affects how we communicate and act. We have had a chance to learn about the perception process and how we perceive others. The strategies discussed above are ways we can improve our perceptions and ultimately make ourselves more competent communicators.