Uses of Conflict Modes
The strategies one chooses to resolve differences tend to result from an interplay of assertiveness and cooperation. Not only must we be skilled at identifying situation in which it is appropriate to use a specific strategy, we also need the necessary skills for carrying out the strategy.
Strategy: COMPETING (demanding, dominating, forcing, “shark”)
What You Might Say: “I don’t care, just do what I asked you to do!”
Use When:
- Position gives you authority
- Group agrees on this method
- Very little time exists
- You are faced with an unpopular decision that has to be implemented
- Its a vital issue and you’re clear your position is correct
Skills Used:
- Ability to argue or debate
- Use of rank, position or influence
- Asserting opinions and feelings
- Standing your ground
- Ability to state your position
Results:
- If overused
- Lack of feedback or input, reduced learning and low empowerment
- If underused
- Restricted influence, indecision, slow to act
Comments:
- Good when quick decisions are necessary or lack of knowledge exists
- Overlooks needs of others
- Should be used sparingly
Strategy: COLLABORATING (problem-solving, integrating, confronting, “owl”)
What You Might Say: “There seems to be different opinions here – let’s get to the bottom line of this and discuss the options.”
Use When:
- Issues that demand an integrative solution which is important to both sides
- Complicated problems demanding an innovative solution
- When you’re trying to learn from someone else or gain buy-in
- Continuing the relationship is important or you want to improve the relationship
- Sufficient time exists
Skills Used:
- Ability to listen, understand and empathize
- Confronting situations in a non-threatening way
- Ability to analyze data objectively
- Identifying underlying concerns, uncovering problems
Results:
- If overused
- Too much time spent on trivial matters
- Diffused responsibility
- Others may take advantage
- Work overload
- If underused
- Deprived mutual gains
- Lack of commitment
- Low empowerment
- Loss of innovation
Comments:
- Developing alternatives is a strength of this style
- Stimulates creative thinking
- Takes a lot of time
Strategy: COMPROMISING (bargaining, sharing “fox”)
What You Might Say: “I can see we have different opinions.” “What’s your bottom line?” “Let’s make a deal!”
Use When:
- Issues of moderate importance
- Both sides are equally powerful and equally committed to different sides
- Resources are limited
- Temporary agreement is needed
- Situation is under pressure, time crunch
- As a back up plan if the competing or collaborating modes don’t work
Skills Used:
- Negotiating
- Finding a middle ground
- Making concessions
- Ability to give up part of what you want
- Ability to assign value to aspects of an issue in order to deal fairly
Results:
- If overused
- Lose big picture and long term goals
- Lack of values/trust
- Cynical climate
- If underused
- Unnecessary confrontations
- Frequent power struggles
- Ineffective negotiating
Comments:
- Works well when both sides are right.
Strategy: AVOIDING (giving in, withdrawing, “turtle”)
What you might say: “Can we put this on hold?” or “I’ll get back to you when I have all the facts.”
Use When:
- Tensions are so high that it would be risking to engage in conflict
- Issue is unimportant
- Timing is not right, you need to delay a decision or action until you have more information
- You have no power or are in a situation in which you have little control
- Someone else is better fitted to do the work
- Problem is symptomatic of a much larger issue that deserves the attention
Skills Used:
- Ability to withdraw
- Sidestepping loaded questions or sensitive areas with diplomacy
- Ability to sense when the timing is wrong
- Ability to leave things unresolved
Results:
- If overused
- Lack of input from yourself
- Decisions made by default that may be important
- Issues fester
- Cautious climate
- If underused
- Hostility or hurt feelings
- Work overload if you can’t avoid
- Lack of prioritization and delegation
Comments:
- A side-stepping style
- Excellent way to buy time
- Can be very frustrating
Strategy: ACCOMMODATING (obliging, smoothing, appeasing, “teddy bear”)
What you might say: “I don’t care – whatever you want” or “You’re the expert, what do you think?”
Use When:
- You want to demonstrate that you’re reasonable
- Developing performance in others
- Create goodwill and keep the peace
- Issues are not important
- Relationships are more important than the issue
- Retreating from a situation you’ll probably lose
Skills Used:
- Sacrifice – ability to forego your own desires
- Selflessness – focusing your attention on the needs of others
- Obeying orders
- Ability to yield and take back seat to someone else
Results:
- If overused
- Ideas get little attention
- Reduced credibility
- Loss of contribution
- Fostering anarchy
- If underused
- Lack of rapport
- Low morale
- Exceptions not recognized
- Unable to yield
Comments:
- Plays down differences among individuals
- Helps find common ground
- Can save relationships
How I Act In Conflict – exercise
The proverbs listed below can be thought of as descriptions of some of the different strategies for resolving conflicts. Proverbs state traditional wisdom. These proverbs reflect traditional wisdom for resolving conflict. Read each of the proverbs carefully. Using the scale given below, indicate how typical each proverb is of your actions in conflict.
5 = Very typical of the way I act in conflict
4 = Frequently typical of the way I act in conflict
3 = Sometimes typical of the way I act in conflict
2 = Seldom typical of the way I act in conflict
1 = Never typical of the way I act in conflict
- It is easier to refrain than to retreat from a quarrel.
- If you cannot make a person think as you do, make him or her do as you think.
- Soft words win hard hearts.
- You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
- Come now and let us reason together.
- When two quarrel, the person who keeps silent first is the most praiseworthy.
- Might overcomes right.
- Smooth words make smooth ways.
- Better half a loaf than no bread at all.
- Truth lies in knowledge, not in majority opinion.
- He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
- He hath conquered well that hath made his enemies flee.
- Kill your enemies with kindness.
- A fair exchange brings no quarrel.
- No person has the final answer but every person has a piece to contribute.
- Stay away from people who disagree with you.
- Fields are won by those who believe in winning.
- Kind words are worth much and cost little.
- Tit for tat is fair play.
- Only the person who is willing to give up his or her monopoly on truth can ever profit from the truths that others hold.
- Avoid quarrelsome people as they will only make your life miserable.
- A person who will not flee will make others flee.
- Soft words ensure harmony.
- One gift for another makes good friends.
- Bring your conflicts into the open and face them directly; only then will the best solution be discovered.
- The best way of handling conflicts is to avoid them.
- Put your foot down where you mean to stand.
- Gentleness will triumph over anger.
- Getting part of what you want is better than not getting anything at all.
- Frankness, honesty, and trust will move mountains.
- There is nothing so important that you have to fight for it.
- There are two kinds of people in the world, the winners and the losers.
- When one hits you with a stone, hit him or her with a piece of cotton.
- When both people give in halfway, a fair settlement is achieved.
- By digging, the truth is discovered.
Now go to the scoring grid and compile your scores.
Enter your score for each proverb in the spaces provided in the grid below. Be sure to keep the numbers aligned. Then total each column. The higher the total score for each conflict strategy, the more frequently you tend to use that strategy. The lower the total score for each conflict strategy, the less frequently you tend to use this strategy. NOTE: Please notice the numbering layout from left to right horizontally.
| Withdrawing | Forcing | Smoothing | Compromising | Confronting |
| 1. | 2. | 3. | 4. | 5. |
| 6. | 7. | 8. | 9. | 10. |
| 11. | 12. | 13. | 14. | 15. |
| 16. | 17. | 18. | 19. | 20. |
| 21. | 22. | 23. | 24. | 25. |
| 26. | 27. | 28. | 29. | 30. |
| 31. | 32. | 33. | 34. | 35. |
| Total | Total | Total | Total |
Total |
Taken from David W. Johnson’s, Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self Actualization, Second Edition, Prentice Hall, New Jersey, 1981. © copyrighted material – need permission to use
Four Steps to Cooperative Resolution
Step One: Eliminate false conflicts and misunderstandings
Ask questions and clarify your assumptions about:
- What other(s) want or don’t want
- Their reasons for wanting or not wanting something
Step Two: Analyze your issues and interests and theirs
- Discuss problems before solutions.
- Communicate what you want and why you want it.
- Make a list of your issues and interests. Prioritize.
- Express your perceptions and emotions.
- Encourage the other party to do the same.
Step Three: Find solutions for both parties
- First invent/brainstorm
- Then Decide
- Consult: don’t dictate
- Be flexible on solutions and firm on interests
- Stick to your primary interests
- Look for integrative solutions
Step Four: Recycle steps 2 and 3 if Step 3 is not successful
- Persist until using a third party or walking away becomes a better choice
- Put the agreement in writing and set a follow-up date.
